The Foundations of Marriage

THE FOUNDATIONS OF MARRIAGE

Understanding God's Perspective

Marriage is an agreement between a man and a woman to be partners together in this life until death parts them and this sounds pretty simple until something goes wrong. The thousand different ways a marriage dissolves could fill the pages of this book alone, however, this is why God gave us the Church and qualified ministers to counsel each specific marriage.

This book is meant to bring a strictly biblical perspective of what God said about marriage and why he said it. So let’s start with this scripture:

Genesis 2:18

And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

God saw that man, whom he created first, needed a help mate and so he created a help mate from the rib bone of Adam:

Genesis 2:21-24

21 And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; 22 And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. 23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. 24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

This is the first biblical recording of a marriage between a man and woman that we see in scripture. From this pivoting point, God begins to build an understanding and a foundation throughout the Bible of this union between a man and a woman.  

Let’s look at these points together:

Genesis 3:16

Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

Because Adam’s wife (Eve) caused Adam to sin, God put this law upon all woman which commands that her husband would rule over her. This law given by God has never changed as we see it throughout the Bible, even in the New Testament:

Ephesians 5:22

22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

The Bible plainly states that man is the head over woman and nothing in the Word of God has changed this, however, our Western culture or the “Modern World” has changed this fact. To believe that man is the head over woman in a marriage today is considered an offense to every woman alive and those holding the “Modern World’ viewpoint will forcefully and violently argue this point with every fiber that is in them. So, we as Christians have a situation, do we go with what is politically correct and what our society and culture demand? Or do we choose God’s way and what has existed since the very first biblically recorded marriage?

God is the same yesterday, today and forever (Heb 13:8), so, do we go with what God says or do we go with today’s beliefs in the Western world which currently has some of the highest divorce rates in the world! In the United States, more than 50% of marriages end in a divorce and it is believed by 4 in 10 Americans that marriage is becoming obsolete. If you are a Christian, you don’t get to pick out the laws you like and discard what you don’t like as it does not work this way.

The Bible truly has some remarkable wisdom concerning marriage but the man has to be the head of the house if any marriage is to survive.  

Colossians 3:18-19

18 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.

Ephesians 5:22-24

22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

As an example: a government does not exist without order and authority, a country’s military does not exist without order and authority, a company or business does not exist without order and authority and neither does a marriage. If any of these examples allow everyone to be leaders and everyone to make decisions and no one to follow orders than you have disorder, confusion and eventually a total breakdown of the group’s existence. In any unit or group, if there is no agreement than the final authority has to fall to one person or there will be no direction or action in any decision made because there is no unity or agreement. 

In the case of a marriage, the same rules apply and since there are only two people, the husband was chosen by God to be the leader of the marriage. This leadership position of course is difficult or impossible to carry out if the wife will not submit to the authority of her husband and eventually the strife in the marriage becomes so sharp, the husband and wife separate. The acceptance or the non-acceptance of the husband’s leadership comes down to ability, personalities, attitudes, education, faith and the way a person is raised. It would be safe to say, a ship will run aground every single time when you have two captains at the helm of the ship unless they are completely compatible to be able to agree or to compromise.  

A woman must choose a man for marriage that she is willing to follow and whom she believes in and the man must also choose a woman that he is compatible with and whom will submit under his leadership and care. Most of all, the Bible states Christians must marry other Christians but unfortunately we find that there are many Christians that marry an unsaved man or woman and think they can change or convert this person for Christ. This conversion can happen but If it does not happen than the Christian is now united in marriage with an unsaved husband or wife and the Bible says this:

2 Corinthians 6:14

Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

1 Corinthians 7:39

The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.

A man as the head of the house is commanded by God to love his wife as he loves himself and to nourish her and cherish her:

Ephesians 5:28-29

28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

Definition of Nourish - provide with food (spiritually/physically) or other substances necessary for growth, health, and good condition.

Definition of Cherish - protect and care for (someone) lovingly.

Definition of Love - an intense feeling of deep affection.

God reveals in his word how he expects a husband to treat his wife and hopefully this will in turn cause his wife to want to follow her husband as her leader. The Bible further states that a husband is even commanded to die for his wife if necessary:

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

This scripture states that Jesus Christ gave himself by dying for the Church and this means a husband must have the same love as Christ for their own wife which means even to die for her. This scripture calls for a husband to protect his wife even unto death if needed which is a very powerful statement. God never said for husbands to abuse their wives but instructed wonderful things on how husbands should treat their wives.

1 Peter 3:7

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

One thing that you hardly ever hear is when a husband and wife get married, their prayers getting answered become dependent on them getting along otherwise the scripture would not say “that your prayers be not hindered”.

We are required as Christians to forgive our fellow Christians which are our brethren but as soon as a husband and wife get home from Church, they forget all about this commandment:

Matthew 5:23-24

23 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; 24 Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.

What this scripture states is if you have a problem, animosity, anger, or anything against your brother than you need to stop what you are doing and make it right with your brother. Above all this, it means that a husband and wife are also brothers in Christ and if they have anything against each other, God will not hear their prayers until they make it right between themselves as 1 Peter 3:7  states.

This pent up anger and animosity will cause a husband or wife to deny the other sexual relations which eventually can lead to one or both spouses cheating on each other. This is what the Bible says about it:

Ephesians 4:26-27

26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath. 

27 Neither give place to the devil.

Make it right with your husband or wife before the day is gone because it gives place for the devil to come into your home and begin dividing both of you which causes untold problems for the entire family.

1 Corinthians 7:2-5

2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

Defraud defined - swindle, cheat, rob, embezzle; deceive, dupe, hoodwink, double-cross, trick;

incontinency defined - not being able to exercise self-restraint, especially sexually. 

God’s Word doesn’t beat around the bush but plainly states that a wife or husband has no power over their own body when it comes to taking care of one another’s sexual needs. The scripture states not to defraud each other of sexual relations or the devil will come in and cause serious problems between a husband and wife. This is because the husband or wife will eventually have a weak moment and go into the arms of another who will meet their sexual needs causing sin and/or a broken marriage.  

The Bible saying that a husband or wife does not have power over their own bodies in today’s culture is not looked upon as politically correct and is frowned upon, however, the scripture is talking about sexual relations within the sanctity of marriage and was not talking about taking it by force.  

Furthermore, those who hold these politically correct viewpoints or cultural beliefs are not going to be at your divorce hearing. Nor are they going to be there to apologize to your children because their parents chose to follow unbiblical beliefs or political correctness instead of Biblical teachings and wisdom. A Christian marriage works because of following the teachings of the Bible and if a married couple sits in Church and refuses to follow Christian teaching than the the statistics are that 1 out of every two marriages in the U.S. ends in divorce.

Are politically correct beliefs or Western world viewpoints going to give a person comfort at night as they suffer and lay awake trying to stick to these non-Christian beliefs that are not Biblical?

God gave a formula for a successful marriage and as a Christian, you cannot just choose Biblical teaching that you like and discard what you don’t like just because the world doesn’t agree with it anymore. God didn’t tell you to take from his Word what you like and disregard everything else that you don’t like as this would be a ridiculous mindset. This mindset will hinder your Christian walk and could destroy your marriage! Don’t lie to yourself and believe that God has changed because he hasn’t as he is the same yesterday, today and forever. 

The Biblical role of the husband as leader is not one of being a dictator and ruling with a rod of iron but it involves taking on such a serious position within the marriage that he has to be willing to protect his wife unto death. If this is not serious enough, the husband is also responsible not only for the security of his wife but also the security of his entire family which is one of the greatest roles taken by a man. Even more responsibility goes with the role of the husband within the marriage as he becomes responsible to God as a Priest of his house. The husband is required by God to be the Priest of his house and must pray for his family daily and give an account to God for them.

The Biblical role of the wife within the marriage and within the family is indeed one of the greatest positions to hold as Proverbs states.  

Proverbs 31:10

10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. 11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. 12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. 13 She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.14 She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar. 15 She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens. 16 She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard. 17 She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms. 18 She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night. 19 She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff. 20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy. 21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet. 22 She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple. 23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land. 24 She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant. 25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. 26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. 27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. 28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. 30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised. 31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

The Book of Proverbs talks about a wife that is more valuable than silver and gold, more wonderful than rubies and diamonds, a wife who is a blessing to her husband and family.  

The Biblical roles of the Husband and Wife are interwoven with love and submission where each plays a role that is an integral part of the marriage. It certainly does not rule out a husband and wife making decisions together and coming into agreement on anything within their marriage without argument, bitterness and strife. 

Colossians 3:19

Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.

There are so many factors that make or break a marriage and this book is meant only to give a husband or wife a Biblical perspective of what God expects and what he instructed towards marriage. I have counseled over a thousand married couples and I can say without a doubt that a marriage takes work by both people involved and not every man is a leader and not every woman is a follower. If compromise is not reached than the marriage is unworkable.

Thanks for reading and I sincerely hope that this Biblical perspective changes your marriage life around. 

1 Timothy 3:5

(For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?)